Friday, June 13, 2008

A new starting line...

My godan test was a wierd thing. I still haven't quite come to grips with it since and it's been over a year! I swear I didn't move, yet I was not hit. I don't think Mr. Legare (the Shihan who administered the test) is a bad aim, but I *swear* I didn't move!

For those of you who don't know what the godan test is, it involves sitting in a kneeling position in front of either Soke or a 15th dan Shihan who Soke designates (with Soke present). Soke or the Shihan stands behind the testee and, while projecting a killing attitude (i.e. "sakki"), make a sharp downward strike with a training sword to the top of the head of the one being tested.

The person being tested either senses the attack and evades the strike or gets hit on the head - hard. Some guys have gotten hit so hard that the training sword bent down the front of them and left welts on their face. One guy had the sword bend all the way over their head and the tip of the sword leave a nasty mark on his abdomen!

When good friend and teacher, Shihan (15th dan) Dale Seago, heard I was going to Japan, he told me I would be taking the test. "That is not an option", were his words to me. So, I knew I would be tested. He had written the administrator for Soke's Hombu Dojo and told him he wanted me to be tested. I had no choice and couldn't hide from it.

Anyway, I sat there in readiness with everybody looking at me. I closed my eyes and just took an attitude of "no thought". I felt myself fall over to the right and knew it was wrong, so I caught myself and sat back up. I was right - the swing had not come yet.

I centered myself and waited. And waited. Legare Shihan pressed the sword into the top of my head in preparation, then let up the pressure to take the striking posture (upraised over his head). I could still feel the pressure on my head and wondered if that was important.

And, again I waited. And waited. And waited...

Suddenly, I felt myself sort of lean to the right again - slowly. I didn't fight it this time, but I didn't feel like I moved much at all. Suddenly, there was a wierd silence. I opened my eyes and everybody was looking at Soke, who was sitting off to my left on the side of the mat.

I couldn't tell you if I had fell over, moved places or whatever. It is a blur to try and remember. But, I do remember there was some conversation between Soke and Legare Shihan, then I heard Soke say "OK, GOOD!".

I looked around and asked if I passed and people all were telling me I did. Like an idiot, I said "I did?" Some people chuckled. Legare Shihan tapped me on the shoulder and said "yes, good job" and shook my hand. I was surprised and didn't really understand what had just happened. I got up and was met with countless handshakes, contratulations, hugs and warm comments from everybody in the room. It really was all a blur, a mix of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I still don't know exactly what had happened. I didn't do no fancy roll, like so many others I've seen perform. I didn't experience no burst of energy blasting me out of the way, like I've heard others say they felt.

I felt absolutely nothing. I felt myself do absolutely nothing (or very little anyway). Yet, I wasn't hit and was told "OK". I don't know.

Well, that's the magic of the godan test. It isn't like any other test, where you demonstrate technical proficiency. In fact, it isn't even about evading a downward sword strike from behind. Believe me, if Soke or the designated Shihan wanted to hit someone from behind - they'd hit them.

No, it isn't about anything like that. Instead, it's about a relationship, a connection to something much deeper. It's about whether or not you "get it" when it comes to Soke's budo. It's about being ready to move beyond the technical, the kata, the techniques, and touch the essence behind it all. It's not a test you pass, it's a matter of Soke passing you. As one buyu described, "it's a nod of approval".

I see my godan ranking as a gift; a recognition of how I have developed as a budoka (budo student). I'm not saying I "get it" when it comes to Soke's budo. But, apparently I have a certain "something" which connects me to his budo. It's enough for me to get "the nod" and be a 5th dan (i.e. godan) and entrusted with teaching this art to others as a Shidoshi. I really don't need to know why, just that people I have deep respect for have given it to me.

But, more importantly, I feel it is a responsibility, a new yoke, that I must bear. I am not at a resting place. Rather, I find myself just beginning a new journey, a whole new challenge. All my training up to this point was designed to just bring me to this new starting line, the entrance to the rugged mountain path, the skills to enable me to take this new adventure.

I can't sit and enjoy my new ranking. I need to DO something with it. I need to DO something with myself. I need to be more a student now than I have ever been. With it, I am also obligated to help others get to where I am. That's the Shidoshi part. But, that has to come second. Otherwise, I stagnate. My own budo will die. And, I will be disrespecting "the nod" given to me by Soke, Shihan Legare and Shihan Seago.

Now, what am I going to work on next Tuesday...

Ugh!

Hello friends!

Oh my! I have been SO damn busy that I have not been able to post here. I still have pages of notes from my Japan trip I am wanting to share. One thing about those, however. As I was writing them during my trip, I found myself experiencing so much that I had a very challenging time putting it all down on paper. There were so many lessons, things I heard, things I saw, stuff I learned that I discovered the futility in trying to note it all down.

I ended up skipping a day of note taking and trying to make it up later - which was almost impossible. I went from one awesome experience to another. To try and go backwards and write about what had happened the day before was to miss what was happening at that moment. That wasn't something I was willing to sacrafice.

Another challenge I am having is that so much of my experiences are deeply personal. There were things I felt were personal to me and not something which should be posted on an internet blog page. In our Bujinkan arts (as with many budo arts), there's a concept called "kuden", which means "oral teachings". These are things which are on a personal level, kept between teacher and student. So much of what I experienced and learned seemed to fall into this category. If I ever talk in person with any of you, I am happy to share them with you. But, to post them on a web blog seems disrespectful, or at least devaluing of the experiences.

Most kuden, in my opinion, is never really explained well outside of a personal level anyway.

I've also been thinking about this blog and it's purpose. I've been reading some great blogs out there and gotten some good ideas. I think I am now looking at making this blog more of a collection of my thoughts, not just about my classes, but about my whole budo life.

So, please keep checking back. I promise to keep writing here. Really, I promise...