I have been going through a lot of changes in my Shugyo (martial arts training path) and wanted to share some interesting thoughts I've concluded recently that have served to be a hard look at myself and a catalyst for my own "keeping going".
Before I begin, however, I must confess something I haven't told anybody except for maybe a very few select people: I almost quit martial arts. Actually, I have hit this wall so many times now that I am surprised this is something profound for me to admit. But, yes, I almost walked away from training, at least in the current arts in which I train. The reasons have always been varied and I could still sit here and list out a number of them which have been constant for me in a decision to hang up the keiko gi and do something else.
Yet, I don't. I still keep training. Why? I don't know. I can recite all sorts of specific, and even valid, reasons to quit my Bujinkan path. Yet, I have trouble citing specific reason why I keep going. Maybe it's because I've been doing it so long that I don't know how to NOT train? Maybe it's because of the friends I've made along the way? Maybe it's my loyalty to those few who still look to me for guidance in their own paths? Maybe it's some wayward fantasy that I just might reach some amazing level of ability and enlightenment that will make it all worth it?
I tend to believe any of the others over that last one! But, still that nagging question haunts me - "why keep going?".
I have been training for almost 30 years now. In that time, I have trained in many arts, with many friends and teachers. I have been taught so many different "ways", often contradictory to each other, to make anybody confused. I have trained with those I thought were quality teachers, only to have another point and tell me that what I was taught was wrong. I have had teachers openly criticize methods and techniques I was taught by other teachers. They all seem to share the same conviction that their way is The Way, or (and probably more so) what the other guy is doing is not The Way. Some of these people are good friends, those I consider quality bugeisha and budo sensei. Yet, the conflict tears at the fabric of training when one struggles to get the approval of who they are learning from. That is what a student does - train for approval from their teachers and peers. We all like it. It motivates us and validates our efforts.
The thing with the Bujinkan is that quality can be determined by relationships - the transmission line from Soke, through the Shihan to the rest of the world. Those who are there the most are afforded the best opportunities to garner the best quality of transmission. That doesn't mean they "get it" or don't struggle with their own misunderstandings, ego and ignorance. We are all human, after all. But, on paper, it makes for very convincing criteria on who one should listen to. The next layer of determining validity is to simply watch to see if that person moves like the next level up in the line of transmission. Does Shidoshi "A" move like their teacher or Shihan, who moves similar to Soke? Or does that teacher move in ways that don't resemble anybody, including Soke or the Shihan? What if that person is a Jugodan who lived in Japan for years, trained several times per week with Soke and the senior Japanese Shihan?
What if two top Shihan both tell you the other is wrong?
How would you feel if, after 10+ years of following the teachings of top instructors, training hard, you are told by a top, respected Shihan that what you are doing is wrong and that HIS way is the RIGHT way?
Yet, everybody just repeats the same matras of "Shut Up & Train" and "Gambatte" or "Keep Training". So, keep doing the same thing? Do you know the definition of Insanity, to keep doing the same things over and over, expecting a different result? Whose advice and correction should you trust?
This happens regularly and is precisely one big reason people will throw in the towel and stop training, or they simply go their own way and ignore the criticism - which can lead to critical flaws in development. It all becomes overwhelming, confusing and discouraging. At times, it even is childish and destructive.
Something I have been giving great thought to recently, in looking at my own Shugyo, the challenges I have faced and continue to face, and the brutal self-assessment I keep subjecting myself to, is what I call "The Knowledge, Experience, Ability Paradigm". No matter who you are or who you train with, this model represents where we all are at any given point. They can be individually looked at as:
- Knowledge - This is what your brain understands. It's not just techniques, principles and such, but also how you understand those things. It's your thinking muscle, what you observe and interpret the teachings with and how you observe and interpret your own training. It's all visceral.
- Experience - This is direct experience, what you have done, the things you've encountered, had done to you, all the classes and seminars you've attended, the many teachers you've learned from, the different methods and arts you've trained with, and so on. Direct, first hand experience accumulated over time. This can also be thought of as "mat time".
- Ability - This is your level of performance. This can also include conditioning, mobility and strength, as well as technical proficiency and having that "something" that goes beyond the technique.
We are all at differing levels of each one of these and, together, they make up what level we are in our evolutionary growth as budoka. What you learn in your head is expressed in your action, which creates your ability. At the same time, your ability can reveal things that, because of your experience, tells your brain valuable information about yourself or what you are trying to learn. They are all unique, yet interconnected to each other.
Knowledge without Experience lacks Application. Experience without Knowledge lacks Ability. Ability without Knowledge or Experience lacks Reality. You can interpret it many ways, but the point (I think) is clear.
Where I have been the most frustrated in my Shugyo is when there has been a disconnect in this Paradigm model. I spend too much time in my head and my training time lowers, thus my ability or performance suffers. I spend too much time just training and not researching, analyzing, listening and watching my teachers and I get off track in my development. I go out and experience too many different things and I get confused and my taijutsu falls apart in contradiction. It is a fine chemistry that needs constant evaluation and honest assessment, not just from ourselves, but from our teachers (and even our peers). There has to be honesty at the root of all of these. Honesty is the thing that binds these all together, like the silver cord that keeps them all connected. It is through this self-honesty and teachers/peers being honest with you that you are able to maintain this balance.
Where things fall apart is when a student, who takes on a teacher because they see/interpret something that fascinates them enough to want to replicate it in their own taijutsu, suddenly faces problems when another teacher tells them they don't understand or that they are going about things wrong. It is in those moments that the student needs to take a look at not only what they are doing, but also what their teacher is doing. Is what they are learning taking them on a path towards Soke? Is what they are doing not only based on Knowledge (Densho? Kuden?), but also backed up by Experience (training) and Ability (level of application)? Or is it pure theoretical musing, not based on teachings from Soke or the Densho, and which, in training, uses skills which are found nowhere in the art you are learning? How different or far off the path of transmission to the next layer up to Soke is it?
And, are you being pushed to learn from sources which are also not in the line of transmission to Soke and the arts you are trying to learn?
These are important questions, and even if one analyzes what they are doing from this perspective, they will STILL run into conflict in what methods are "right", and what techniques are "right". As long as there are at least two budo sensei, there will always be points of conflict or disagreement. It's been that way since the inception of martial arts.
All we can do is trust. Trust ourselves enough to follow our gut or instinct. Trust ourselves to admit when something (or someone) just doesn't feel "right". Trust ourselves to know that we are capable of making our own choices and that, even if we later discover the error in those choices, we also are capable of change. It's also in trusting ourselves to have that honesty in evaluating where we are in each of the three areas: Knowledge, Experience and Ability. Don't have enough knowledge? Ask questions, read Soke's books, watch Soke's videos, get around the people who do know. Don't have enough Experience? Show up and train. Practice at home. Just get up and work on something, even small things. It all adds up. Don't have enough Ability? Check your Knowledge and Experience. Maybe you need more of one or both. Maybe you are just in a slump, too (that does happen). Ability is influenced by Knowledge and Experience, but you can't control it. You can have strong Ability one day, and weak Ability the next. That's just life. You can only directly control your Knowledge and Experience. Ability is the product of the two.
Another important point is simply this: If you struggle with your Ability, take a look at the Ability of the one you are trying to replicate and ask yourself these 3 questions:
- Am I doing what they had to do in order to develop the Ability they have?
- Do I have a physical makeup (body type, fitness level, etc) that resembles what they have?
- Is what they are doing following a line of progression and transmission that leads to Soke?
If there is a disconnect in any one of those, then you know what you have to do. You may not be able to help body type, but fitness, flexibility and strength you can improve. Look at Soke and the senior Japanese Shihan (most are in their 70's). They are amazingly flexible, strong and with incredible range of motion. How are you in comparison? However, there are body types which simply are structurally limited. For instance, there are some body types you will never see doing a front or back handspring. I'm not saying it can't be done, but the likelihood of it is very rare, compared to a lean, lightweight person.
Also, maybe you are rushing your training expectations? We have to remember that when Soke and his inner group of students came out into the world with this art, they were already in their 30+ years of training. Yet, what we saw we all tried to replicate, expecting to gain those results in only a few years. Think about that for a minute. Only through some grainy photos and old black and white film do we get a small glimpse of what their training was like prior to that. But, even so, you still see them with black belts on...
So, if you are training and trying to move like a senior Japanese Shihan, cut yourself some slack. Also, consider what they did when they were starting out or in their first years of training. Are you doing that? Do you honestly feel you don't need it?
Have you ever taught to a group of people who were all at different levels of Knowledge, Experience and Ability? Who do you tend to teach to? Any instructor will tell you that, with a large group, they focus on the middle third. Those who are new will learn from the more experienced and those who are more experienced will train at their level, guided by more private or personalized instruction of the teacher during practice. Now consider the hundreds who go to Japan every year to train. When Soke is teaching, there could be upwards to over 50 people crammed in the Hombu Dojo! When Soke teaches at the Budokan, this number could swell to a hundred or more. The Japanese Shihan there also can have larger or smaller classes. Even so, most are people who may only be there for a handful of days and try to absorb what they can in that small amount of time. Those who live there or will be there for extended periods have the time to break things down and work on them, receiving correction and guidance along the way. Then, there's the mix of yudansha, yodansha, Shidoshi and Shihan from all over the world, with their different cultures, languages and levels of understanding.
So, what you tend to get is teaching that tries to either shed light on a few pointers, or help explain what Soke was showing the night before, or the Shihan just keeps teaching at the level he chooses to capture the greatest number of people. It's not complete, it isn't really reaching the individual development needs of each person and it doesn't allow for the time it takes to really put in enough "mat time" to train on. You are expected to get what you can get, take it back with you and let it guide or provide inspiration for on-going training at your own dojo. That is why many of the Japanese Shihan have their own personal dojo, outside of the Hombu Dojo. But, if you aren't regularly attending, then what are you really learning?
At the end of the day, you still must have a teacher who you trust to train with regularly to work on those building blocks that take you to your next level, assuming that next level takes you a step closer to Soke. Just be accepting that we all develop according to our own natural pathways, limitations and understandings. Ignore the politics, the dribble and bickering. Have an open mind, clear vision and honest judgement - and don't be afraid to change if you discover something is taking you off course from what you want to achieve.
Different teachers teach different things differently. They all have value and something you can learn from. But, know why you are learning from them, what it is they are trying to teach you and what role that plays in the direction you are trying to go. Blind faith is suicide and irresponsible, two traits not becoming of a Budoka. It's okay to seek out a teacher who might have more Knowledge, Experience and Ability in some areas than the teacher you currently train under. In fact, an honest teacher will guide you to someone they feel more qualified in a particular area. I suck at some things in my own training and don't pretend to be an expert. Yet, I have friends who are very qualified in those areas. Not only do I train with them myself to fill those deficiencies, I encourage my students to do the same. That's just being honest.
You can't let the snobby attitudes of elitist instructors dictate your path. If fact, if you had to choose between a mediocre, honest teacher and a very skilled, egotistical one, I would bet you would spend your time with the former, rather than the latter. And, you will find those others in class will most often be the ones you enjoy training with the most, building strong friendships based on trust and honesty, whereas the egocentric teacher will tend to draw those who are either egocentric themselves or who blindly worship such people.
Yet, it is that mediocre, but honest, teacher who struggles the most in their own Shugyo, because at the root of it all they still consider themselves a struggling student, with errors, misunderstandings, challenges and development needs, who continue to self-assess and seek out instruction from those teachers who can help bring balance back to their Knowledge, Experience, Ability Paradigm.
So, they Keep Going and that's why I Keep Going. Because, nobody's opinion matters more about me than my own and I value myself, my potential, too much to give up. I know any lacking in Knowledge can be learned in many ways and am fortunate to be surrounded by those with more Knowledge than me. My Experience can be built by training and I am fortunate to have friends always willing to train, my health to be able train and the venues to conduct the training. My Ability, well, it is what it is. I just have to be patient and keep seeing it as a Work in Progress, a soup containing all the Knowledge and Experience, some good and some maybe not so good. I have proud moments of performance and moments I wish I had never stepped onto the mat! But, as long as I keep growing in Knowledge and Experience, finding the people and sources which are the closest to what I understand as the next level in the transmission of this art from Soke to me, then I have to trust that my Ability will twist, turn, change and evolve in that direction, too, even if sometimes I may wave off into a tangent. It will return if I Keep Going.
Anyway, enough rambling. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope it has helped you in some way or at least provided something to chew on in your own seeking of Knowledge.
Gambatte Kudasai!
