When Your Love of Something Is Greater Than Your Fear...

“When your love of something is greater than your fear of doing it, you will do it. You don't have to fear less, just love more.”

Fear and doubt kill the aspiring martial artist.  Pride and selfishness kill the experienced martial artist.  What I want to write about is the process involved in becoming a martial arts student.  Many desire to be it, but far less actually become it.  Even less actually embody it for their lifetime.  No matter what stage you are, there is no getting around the reality that being a martial arts student means you must be able to face your own self in all its flawed glory.  It is uncomfortable and sometimes painful, emotionally, mentally and even physically.  This requires not only bravery, but humility.

In every dojo is a kamidana.  It is a shelf up high in the front of the room.  It contains a variety of symbolic items.  Centered on most is a simple, round mirror.  There is a great significance to this little mirror, but one can see it as “truth”, a reflection of your own heart, showing you – you.  It has to be polished every day, just like our own heart, as life can tarnish our heart and mind as much as it can a mirror.  A tarnished mirror won’t show you a clear reflection and a tarnished heart and mind will poison your perspective, understanding and passion (and compassion).  When we enter the dojo, we come in tarnished.  Through correct training, we work to polish our mirror, so that we leave cleaner than we arrived.

However, this involves having to accept the stains, the tarnish, and the work necessary to clean it away.  For some people, they fear not only the tarnish, but of what lies underneath.  They fear the truth about themselves, their lives and the reality around them.  Their fantasy, their narrative, even with the stains and foggy vision, is their security – even to the point of self-destruction.  They would rather wallow in living ineffective and delusional, than to embrace a clear, full life of empowerment and truth.  The reasons vary, but most often due to toxic programming they received in their formative years, mistakes they’ve made and other kinds of self-deflating experiences which convinced them that reality is too painful to face, or they are not “good enough” to chase their dreams and live a life of fulfillment and success.  Maybe they suffered a horrible victimization that stripped them of their worth.  Whatever the reason, the ugliness of it all can be too much.

Then, there are those who desire to be a martial arts student, but lack the willpower and fortitude to actually work for it.  They are used to having their happiness provided with little cost and effort.  Their pride tells them they shouldn’t have to work so hard to be a martial arts student.  They should just be able to be one just by wanting it.  Of course, there are countless so-called students who do show up, most often without any consistency, and have the same mindset.  They believe in minimal effort with an expectation of maximum results.  They don’t stick around long term, unless they have a teacher who keeps their ego fluffed with low expectation rewards (i.e. “everybody gets a trophy!”).

I want to focus on those who honestly desire to be a martial arts student, to go to class and train hard, but just can’t seem to actually step foot into the dojo.  What is it that stops that person and prevents them from pursuing something they really want to do?

Entering a dojo for the first time, each person has a preconceived image or impression of what they “think” the training is.  Once you make a decision to want to train, suddenly the closet opens and all those demons you had been able to silence in your safe, compromised life (we all make compromises!), suddenly surround you, filling you with fear and doubt.  Those demons say the same scripts that have deflated you on so many opportunities in the past (admit it, you have made choices not to do one or more things based on these statements):

“You aren’t good enough!”

“You are out of shape!”

“It’s too expensive!”

“You don’t have time for this!”

“It’s too far!”

“People will judge you!”

“You will hold others back!”

“Your friends/family will laugh at you!”

“You’ll get hurt!”

“Who do you think you are?”

“You’re too good to be a white belt again!”  (yup, other martial artists go through this)

And just about any other reason, no matter how petty or unrealistic, or even embarrassing…

A common phrase in the fitness world is “Showing Up Is Half The Struggle”.  The day you first decide to go to the dojo is big.  But, when you actually step into the dojo, you’ve crossed over half the struggle.  Even if you don’t actually get out onto the mat and train, you’ve already been halfway successful in being a martial arts student!  You have ignored the demons and showed up.  When you do that, you begin to realize how utterly powerless those demons really are.  The only power they have is what you have given them.  Keep showing up and eventually stepping out onto the mat doesn’t seem so bad.  Once you place your foot on the tatami (mat), you have crossed a threshold.  You are there, in the dojo, on the tatami, in the class.  You will be welcomed with smiles and encouraged to participate.  Your first partner will be someone who has gone through the same things as you to get there.  Maybe not the same degree, but maybe worse!  Yet, there you both are, having gone through the rite of passage, to be in class and training as martial arts students.

We all go through the process together, but in our own time and in our own ways.  Our demons are uniquely ours, but share common traits.  The negative reinforcement those demons try to hammer us with are not much different between each person.  But, those students who show up, put on their keikogi (training uniform) and step onto the tatami each week have chosen to listen to something else – their love for training.  They are transforming from powerless to powerful.  They stop listening to those demons and embrace the fact that those demons are nothing more than empty threats, false prophets and powerless charlatans who try to keep you buried in your own ineffectiveness and illusions.  When you step onto the tatami and your partner grabs you or strikes at you, there is no more illusion.  You are facing reality, even if controlled and safe (If you didn’t face reality in that moment, you’d get hit or thrown!).

It is exhilarating to discover how your demons really have no power.  You begin to believe you actually can do this, and the rewards become far more worth the effort!  In your excitement, you begin to wonder what else you can achieve.  You find yourself applying the same rite of passage to other things you have wanted to do, but had sold yourself out to those nasty demons!

So, you begin to start training and, at first, you enjoy it.  You make friends and the fears begin to go away as you continue to show up and train at increasing level.  The class becomes a routine for you.  That’s where those demons start to chip away at you again.  New reasons to stop showing up begin to appear in your mind:

“I’m too tired.”

“I’m just not feeling it…”  (be honest, we all have used this one!)

“There’s a show I want to watch.”

“I’m not getting any better; I don’t see the point…”  (that’s a killer!)

“If (enter name) isn’t going, I don’t want to go”

“I need to rest up for the weekend…”

“It’s too (name whatever weather condition fits) outside”

“I can’t find my keiko gi” (or belt, or tabi, or training weapons, etc)

Or whatever rationalization it takes to make it okay for you to not come out (ooh, I know that sounds harsh, but I’ve done it, too, so deal with it!  LOL!)

The problem with rationalizations is that each time you use them, you begin to add power to the underlying reason - and empowering not yourself, but those dirty little demons who are robbing you of YOU!

Look, training sometimes sucks.  Those of you who have been training for some time, I know you “know” what I mean.  There are classes where I just felt disconnected.  There were weeks I would’ve done just about anything else.  I’ve had classes go horribly wrong, too.  I have embarrassed myself terribly over a complete screw up in front of a whole room of people and senior instructors.  I’ve had injuries.  I’ve had personal challenges.  I’ve had ample number of reasons to skip a class, take a break from training and even quit training altogether (come on, tell me you haven’t considered it, too!).  We ALL go through this game and those who show up in class are in a kind of brotherhood or sisterhood of people who just didn’t listen to those voices, who sucked it up and went anyway, even when they had an entire list of reasons why they shouldn’t (again, all just rationalizations of a deeper issue).

Yet, I can’t think of any time where I didn’t feel like it, was too tired, weather sucked, blah blah, and went anyway – and wished I hadn’t!  I can’t think of a single class I regretted going to.  Even on those times where I’ve screwed up and embarrassed myself.  Looking back, those were valuable lessons I would’ve missed had I not gone and I would’ve never grown from them had I not continued going afterward!

 

We ALL go through this together.

 The choice you make is purely yours, but you are not alone.  That room of folks who showed up did so facing the same doubts, fears, negative self-talk and rationalizations.  They may have struggled the entire way to the dojo. They may even be standing there on the tatami thinking how much easier it would be to just leave.  But they don’t and when class is over, you’ll see them smiling and laughing, thankful they mustered the courage and followed their heart, instead of their demons.

They love what they do more than the fear of doing it.

So, what are you doing this week?  Are you going to class?